I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAN AT AN EARLY AGE. OF COURSE, LIKE MOST SEVENTEEN YR. OLD GIRLS DO, I THOUGHT I HAD LIFE FIGURED OUT. WE WERE GOING TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND NOTHING WOULD EVER COME BETWEEN US. WELL, GUESS WHAT. REALITY SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. ONE YR. INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP HE TELLS ME HE DOESN'T KNOW IF HE LOVES ME OR NOT. NATURALLY, I WAS DEVASTATED! SO, I RAN AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS. WHEN HE COULDN'T FIND ME HE WENT NUTS LOOKING. HE TRAVELED ACROSS 3 STATES AND BACK TO FIND ME, BUT HE DIDN'T. HE KEPT IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH MY MOM, WHOM I TOLD I WOULDN'T CALL BACK IF SHE TOLD WHERE I WAS. THE WAY I SAW IT WAS IF HE LOVED ME HE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO MOVE BACK TO WV WITHOUT HIM. AFTER 4 DAYS I DECIDED I KINDA MISSED HIM AND WANTED TO COME HOME SO I DID, AND SURE ENOUGH, HE WAS THERE WAITING FOR ME. WE WENT FOR A DRIVE AND HAD A LONG TALK. I KNEW (thought I knew) I WANTED A BABY AND TO BE MARRIED AND HE HAD ALREADY TOLD ME HE DIDN'T. I DIDN'T SEE A LOT OF REASON FOR US TO KEEP DRAGGING IT ON & ON. WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT, THAT'S WHEN HE TOLD ME HE REALLY DID LOVE ME AND DID WANT THOSE SAME THINGS THAT I WANTED. NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY LITTLE SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD HEART MELTED. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
LATER THE SAME NIGHT AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO GO TO SLEEP, I HAD MASSIVE PAIN START IN MY STOMACH. I COULDN'T WALK, SIT , LAY.I COULDN'T STAND UP STRAIGHT, IT FELT LIKE MY STOMACH WAS RIPPING APART IF I TRIED TO STRETCH MY BOSY OUT. I REALLY THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE. JAMES CARRIED ME OUT TO THE TRUCK WITHOUT WAKING HIS PARENTS AND TOOK ME TO THE ER. THE DOCTOR THERE TOLD ME I WAS LUCKY WE ARRIVED WHEN WE DID BECAUSE I HAD HAD A TUBAL PREGNANCY THAT HAD RUPTURED. SHE SAID WHEN THAT HAPPENS IT MUST BE REMOVED WITHIN HOURS BECAUSE IT TURNS TO POISON INSIDE YOUR BODY. IF IT DOESN'T KILL YOU IT CAN DAMAGE YOUR SYSTEM SO THAT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN AGAIN. THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME IN A HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY OR SOMETHING SERIOUS, I WAS SCARED TO DEATH. NOT TO MENTION, THAT WAS A TIME IN BY MY LIFE BEFORE MY MOM BECAME THE ONE "MY MOM HAD WARNED ME ABOUT", SO I WAS A SHELTERED LITTLE MOMMY'S GIRL. I INSISTED ON MY MOM BEING THERE FIRST. ALL I REMEMBER IS MY MOM COMING IN & THEN I WOKE UP TO HER STANDING OVER MY BED TELLING ME THAT I WAS STILL PREGNANT AND MY LOWER ABDOMEN HAD A BIG SLIT ACROSS IT THAT WAS REALLY PAINFUL. I WAS BACK OUT AGAIN FOR ABOUT 7 HOURS AND WHEN I WOKE UP THAT SECOND TIME IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LIFE THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR......MOTHERHOOD!! WE WERE IN LOVE AND TOO YOUNG TO REALIZE WE WERE TOO YOUNG TO START A FAMILY. 22 MONTHS LATER WE HAD OUR SECOND SON. ALMOST 5 YEARS LATER WE MARRIED IN JULY OF 2005 AND HAD OUR FINAL SON ON OCTOBER 18. DURING THIS TIME HE WAS PUT IN JAIL A COUPLE TIMES BUT NO TIME - NO MORE THAN 2 WEEKS AT A TIME, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE SO I DECIDED TO SEPERATE WHILE HE WAS IN JAIL - I WOULD'VE NEVER GONE THRU WITH IT IF I HAD TO LOOK AT HIM FACE-TO-FACE. WE REALLY LOVED ONE ANOTHER. AFTER 5 YEARS WE STILL HELD HANDS ALL T HE TIME AND KISSED BUT I COULDN'T TAKE HOW BAD IT HURT WHEN HE WENT AWAY. THE ONLY WAY I COULD SEE OF STOPPING THAT WAS TO MAKE MYSELF NOT LOVE HIM ANYMORE. I DID, WELL, I WAS DOING A DAMN GOOD JOB OF MAKING MYSELF BELIEVE I DID. NOW, 13 YEARS FROM THE START OF ALL THIS, HE'S BACK AND WE ARE TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT. I'M JUST NOT SURE ITS GOING TO WORK. 4, ALMOST 5, YEARS IS A LONG TIME AND PEOPLE DO CHANGE - A LOT. ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE GOES TO PRISON, HE/SHE USUALLY COMES BACK A DIFFERENT PERSON.
I REALLY THINK I COULDN'T BE HAPPY WITH A MAN WHO ADORED ME AND TOOK CARE OF ME, AND DIDN'T LOOK BAD, EITHER, BECAUSE I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SEE WHAT ELSE WAS OUT THERE. I WENT FROM LIVING WITH MY PARENTS, WHERE I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO FOOTBALL GAMES, MOVIES, GOD FORBID, I'D MENTION PARTY! SO I WENT FROM SHELTERED 'MOMMY'S GIRL' TO 'JAMES' GIRL', AND THAT'S WHERE I STAYED. I WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD THE COURAGE TO LEAVE HIM ON MY OWN, I KNEW AND EVEN SAID, THE ONLY WAY I'D EVER BE APART FROM HIM WAS IF HE WENT TO JAIL, OR SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ONE OF US (GOD FORBID). I MOVED OUT THE DAY BEFORE HE WAS RELEASED SO HE COULD HAVE SOMEWHERE TO COME TO. THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY "REAL LIFE" AS IT IS NOW.
